


It was beautiful

by Elenyafinwe



Series: Peredhil [9]
Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Family Loss, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Songfic, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:01:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28453527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elenyafinwe/pseuds/Elenyafinwe
Summary: While Elrond still mourns his late brother, Gil-galad tries to keep his kingdom running while being there for his friend. [Es war schön - Puhyds]
Relationships: Elrond Peredhel & Ereinion Gil-galad
Series: Peredhil [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2077245
Kudos: 14





	It was beautiful

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Es war schön](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/735702) by Elenyafinwe. 



> CN self-harm, blood, vomiting, suicide attempt, loss of relatives, substance abuse (please take the tags seriously, the text is explicit)

The rain had been pelting against the windows of the council chamber for hours. The monotonous drumming strained Gil-galad's nerves, while his  _aranduri_ verbally butted heads as usual. He rubbed his forehead, but as expected, it did little to relieve the headache. 

"Sire, perhaps it would be beneficial for you to make your opinion known on this matter," Erestor snapped him out of his thoughts.

But before he could say anything, Túrhael took the floor. "This council does not have a quorum anyway, since we are not complete. For a while now, I might note. Lord Elrond has already overstayed his obligations."

Amazingly, this very effectively dispelled the headache. Gil-galad felt anger rising within him. He pounded the table with his fist. 

"Enough!" he thundered. "Since when is this council not quorate when one of its members is absent? Since when,  _arandur_ Túrhael, do you think you have so much power? The only one who makes decisions here is me, the king. Your task is to serve me."

"A task that Elrond apparently no longer fulfills," Túrhael countered. "How long has it been now since he returned from Númenor? Over a year. If he's still grieving, then it's time to think about removing him from office, because he's clearly not fit to hold that post any longer."

But before Gil-galad could say anything rash, he got help from an unexpected quarter. Celebrimbor rose and stared at Túrhael, who sat across from him at the round table.

"You lost a brother too, didn't you?" he began. "Egalmoth of the House of the Heavenly Arch of Gondolin. Tragic story. There you were escaping the fall of Gondolin with him, only to lose him in Arvernien."

"On the swords of your cursed family," hissed Túrhael.

Celebrimbor did not respond. "A terrible loss. It must still pain you if, after five hundred years, you still bear such a grudge against my family, and even extend it to Elrond. Do you really not find a spark of compassion within you that makes you suspect what my cousin is currently suffering?"

Túrhael lifted his chin. "But we are also  _aranduri_ . Personal feelings should play no part in our work."

"Then why are you taking such a hard line against Elrond?" asked Celebrimbor dryly.

That took the wind out of Túrhael's sails.

"We are done for the day," Gil-galad ordered. He didn't want to hear any more of this, not today and, in fact, never again. Unfortunately, he knew better.

Of course, Elloth had to have the last word. It had always been that way. When the other three had already left, she approached her son once more. Gil-galad looked up at her, annoyed but also exhausted. He was going to have to compete with her now.

"Celebrimbor may be right," she began, "but there is a spark of truth in Túrhael's words as well."

"And what do you think I should do?" asked Gil-galad indignantly. "Dismiss Túrhael? He is the troublemaker in this round. But then I lose the Gondolindrim as well, and that would weaken my empire considerably."

"Take care of Elrond. As his king, but also his friend," Elloth said with surprising compassion. "Elros' death has taken a terrible toll on him, and he needs you now. Perhaps we will all need him soon."

Gil-galad cocked his head to the side questioningly.

"He was our link to Númenor, an important ally," Elloth reminded him. 

Gil-galad scoffed. "I should have known. If that's your main concern at the moment, then we have nothing more to say to each other here."

Elloth stepped back and curtsied. "As you wish, sire." Then she rushed away.

Gil-galad stared after her with a scowl. He was the king, and yet everyone did as they pleased. He sighed. Silence thundered in the room. Rain still pattered against the windows.

At least Elloth was right in that he really should check on Elrond. He had extended his leave indefinitely for good reason immediately after his return from Númenor. Gil-galad felt guilty that he had been dealing with Túrhael and Celebrimbor more often lately than with his best friend, who was grieving for his brother. He felt tired and exhausted, but there was time for that later.

Elrond's chambers were not far from his. He knocked. No response. Gil-galad frowned. On the way here he had met Ceomon, who had told him that Elrond was here. He knocked again. When there was still no response, he began to worry.

"Elrond, are you there?" he called out. "If you're just taking a nap, then I'm sorry to have disturbed you. But answer me, please."

Silence alone answered him. This was not a good sign. Gil-galad's worries intensified. This was not at all like Elrond. So he sent out his senses, even though a non-consensual use of ósanwe was a highly inappropriate invasion of another person's privacy. He found Elrond, but his presence was faint. Dwindling. Gil-galad thought his heart stopped.

"Oh no!" he groaned, hastily turning the doorknob. Locked, of course. "Oh, no, no, no! No!"

All the jiggling did no good. Gil-galad's breathing was quickening and his thoughts were racing. Elrond couldn't really have done anything to himself, could he? Couldn't he?! All the panic did not help. So Gil-galad threw himself shoulder-first against the door. At the third attempt it gave way. Gil-galad stumbled into the room, carried by his own momentum. 

"Elrond, where are you?" he cried, even as he struggled to his feet. He hurried across the room. Where in the name of all the Valar was he? 

He found him in the bathroom. Elrond hung motionless over the tub, and did not react even when Gil-galad rushed into the room. And good gracious, the blood! There was blood everywhere!

Gil-galad cursed and rushed to Elrond. His left wrist was slashed, and when he saw the bloody blade that had slipped from Elrond's feeble fingers, Gil-galad knew at once what had happened here.  
Without long hesitation, he cut a strip of cloth from his robe with the knife and wrapped it around the wound to stop the bleeding. His fingers trembled. 

"Elrond, can you hear me?" begged Gil-galad. "Please, please, do not let me be too late! Help! I need help here now! An emergency!"

He brushed Elrond's hair from his face and could not describe how relieved he was to see that his friend was still breathing. Elrond seemed delirious, but whether from blood loss or something else Gil-galad could not tell.

"Stay awake, my friend," Gil-galad urged him, slapping him across the face. "Look at me. I'm here. Everything is going to be all right now. I have found you. Stay with me." Still no one had responded to his call for help, so he screamed again. "Help! Damn it! I need help here! Now!"

At that moment, Ceomon rushed in. He immediately grasped the situation, ran back outside, and immediately returned with Elrond's emergency bag. 

"Did he take anything?" he wanted to know.

"I don't know," Gil-galad said. "He is unresponsive and does not respond to anything I do."

Ceomon looked Elrond in the eye. The pupils were dilated. Without flinching, Ceomon stuck a finger down his throat to induce retching. Elrond retched and vomited, and Gil-galad had never been happier that his precious robe had been ruined.

"Oh mercy of the Valar, you live!" he exclaimed as he held Elrond. 

Elrond hung limply in his arms, looking apathetic. But at least his gaze was no longer blank. His eyes were red from crying so much and his hair was in complete disarray. But he was alive, no matter how miserable he seemed.

"Why, Galad?" he whispered. "I don't want to anymore. Let me go."

"Lord, what have you taken?" asked Ceomon with concern.

"Toadstool," said Elrond dully. "Like some bungler."

"You're alive, that's all that matters," Gil-galad affirmed. He picked Elrond up and carried him to his bedchamber to lay him on the bed. Ceomon helped him peel Elrond from his sullied robes. Meanwhile, Rethtulu had also joined him and closed the door to avoid too much attention. 

Elrond let it happen as Ceomon properly bandaged his wound and then forced a glass of water on him. Gil-galad sat worryingly by, watching the proceedings as Rethtulu gave him one of Elrond's robes to change into. 

"Elrond, I am sorry," he finally said ruefully. "I should have been there for you more, I know what you are going through these days."

"I don't want to anymore," Elrond muttered again. "I just don't want to anymore. I can't stand it anymore. I should have taken milk of the poppy and henbane, I idiot. And I should have cut lengthwise." He looked at his bandaged wrist. "I'm not even capable of that."

Ceomon looked worried. "Lord, please don't say such things."

Silently, tears ran down Elrond's face as he avoided their gazes and stared at the ceiling. Gil-galad knew he was thinking of Elros and that he had gone where none of them could follow him. This gave him an idea. He grabbed Elrond's healthy hand.

"I know right now everything is just awful," he began, "I know you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But that doesn't mean it's not there. The clouds cover the sky, but the sun is still shining behind them. Remember that."

Elrond didn't seem to hear him. His skin was ashen and his gaze blank. Unimagined terror shone in his eyes, and Gil-galad really did not want to know what was going through Elrond's mind at that moment. 

Yes, he too had been devastated when he had learned of his father's death, but he had never had to look into the abyss where Elrond now stood. Gil-galad could not presume to understand what his friend had just suffered. Elrond and Elros had never been able to think without the other, and had never really been alone even when Elros had gone to Númenor and a whole sea separated them. The brothers had not let that stop them. They had overcome all the horrors they had endured even as small children together.

And now, all at once, Elrond was alone in this terrible world.

"I have been a failure," Elrond whispered. "I have disappointed you. I have disappointed everyone. I am not even capable of that."

Before he could continue the thought, Gil-galad interrupted him, "No, you haven't, and I never said you had. No one can expect you to just carry on now as if nothing had happened. It's okay if you're not okay, and I'll allow you to take all the time in the world you need to survive this. You can do this, I know you can. Because the sun is still shining above the clouds. And by this time tomorrow, you may still feel lousy, but you'll be glad to be here after all."

Gil-galad pulled the chair closer to the bed and looked Elrond firmly in the eye as he took his unharmed hand between his hands. 

"The curtain has fallen and nothing will ever be as it once was. Elros is no more and nothing in the world can bring him back. It's cruel and unfair, I know. But one thing has remained, and that is the memories, and no one can take them away from us. As long as we remember him, Elros will never really have died.

Remember all the beautiful moments you could share with him. They are a gift given to you, a gift so infinitely precious. That chapter of life is finally over, but it was a beautiful one, wasn't it? It is a bittersweet pain, but such is life. Such is the way of the Atani, and there is nothing we can do to change it. We stay, and we remember - of pain, but also of laughter and joy. Life plays for time, comes, kills and heals.* Everything will pass once, but even the deepest wounds will heal.

It will probably hurt for a long time. But always remember that no one can take from you what was."  
"Elros was wiser than I. He made the wiser choice. I must live with it forever." Elrond heaved a sob.

Gil-galad unceremoniously pulled him into his arms and let him cry on his shoulder. They were good, cleansing tears.

"Perhaps Elros' choice was the wiser one, but that too is history now and cannot be changed," he continued quietly. "Things are what they are, and all that is left for you to do is to preserve the memories of your brother. That was your choice and that is your task now."

For quite a while, neither of them said anything. Elrond hung in Gil-galad's arms and wept until the tears had washed away the shattering pain. And even then they were silent for a long time.

Finally, Elrond straightened and wiped his face. He still looked terrible, yet somehow full of life again. 

"You're right," he said in a much firmer voice. "It was beautiful. And if given the choice, I'd do it all again just the same. But now life goes on."

**Author's Note:**

> arandur - King's servant; Qu.; title of Stewards of Gondor, but in my HC also that of Gil-galad's advisor.  
> ósanwe - mental exchange, telepathy; Qu.
> 
> *quote from the song
> 
> If you are struggling with similar things yourself, please reach out to someone you trust and talk to them. There are numerous offers of help on the Internet. Also, please don't be afraid to go to the psychiatric emergency hospital if necessary. I also recommend the book "It's okay that you're not ok" by Megan Devine, in which she devotes herself to dealing with grief. At least it helped me a lot.
> 
> At at last: The Puhdys are a rock band from east Germany, the song is called Es war schön. Youtube has a version with translated lyrics.  
> You can read about Elros' final moments in "Until our last breath", this text is kind of a sequel to it.


End file.
